The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
