the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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