And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
