Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
