is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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