I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
