Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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