I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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