Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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