I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
