I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
