captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
