got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I am available for nakedness
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
