Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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