i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
