Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I can't turn off my feet"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
