Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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