My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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