Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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