I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
