Don't make out with my wife yet
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
