You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
