I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
