I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
