I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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