Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
