So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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