if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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