I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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