sarcasm needs its own font
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
