I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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