I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
