Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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