and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
