remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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