he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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