five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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