Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
