and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
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Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
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Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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