plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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