Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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