That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
