My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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