I wanna bring you to show and tell
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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