Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
