this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
