He uses pillows to masturbate.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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