I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
