those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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