you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
