@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
