When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
