I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
