sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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