So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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